I know I said health care. I'm still avoiding. Since this is my blog, I'm making the unilateral decision to wait on that and instead will be teaching those of you who requested a transcript of my man plan. If you follow these steps you too can fail in love and yet continue to complain about it!
Step 1: If he attempts to make contact look away or as annoyed as possible. This usually stops any man from approaching. Or at least they can label you as a cold hag immediately, that way you don't have to actually deal with being your charming witty self and then being rejected.
Step 2: When he calls you send him straight to voicemail and makeup some bullshit excuse about how you're "In the store" or "With a friend". When really you are just too chicken to talk on the phone. In my case, I despise the phone. I'm horrible and awkward on the phone and I hate talking on it. So I avoid this medium thinking that he will be delayed in finding out my slight tardation on the phone until I've already hooked him and then it does not matter.
Step 3: Don't call him back when he does leave a voicemail. This is related to my above feelings. Since I'm horrid on the phone, and it's hard to be super clever and witty without seeing physical ques just don't return his call. He will probably just interpret this as a) you are "playing hard to get" or b) "you're not interested."
Step 4: When he asks for your number tell him "It's okay, you don't have to actually call me." Or something equally lacking confidence. This is done so that way you can claim you told him not to call you and so when he doesn't you knew ahead of time. Men love women who are so under confident they actually request no phone call.
Step 5: If he asks you to "meet up" with him and his friends on a weekend night in a place you actually would want to go to, tell him you can't because you have major plans. Then sit at home and watch reruns of 24. Like step 3, this will be interpreted as you are playing hard to get or not interested. When really the truth is you are not sure he would like your charming self enough and why bother just in case you make an idiot out of yourself?
Step 6: Personally insult his job or area of residence. Then get annoyed when he can't take a joke. If he does make the mistake of taking the joke and throwing a moderately clever one back, up the anti and insult his looks or his wing man's looks. If I ever meet a man clever enough to come back after that, I'm pretty sure he is probably my soulmate. In which case, this step fails at making one fail in love.
Step 7: After he buys you a drink run away to the dance floor with your bestie. Note, you cannot fall in love in Whiskey Girl. Trust me, I know this for a fact.
Step 8: If he seems moderately quality or nice be sure to go on about the latest bad boy you dated, or the various Special Forces guys you like (i.e. Jack Bauer). Listing John Cena movies also has the desired fail affect. This way, you fail big by ignoring a nice guy who might not be a scumbag in favor of a pretend guy who will never commit.
These are just a few of the many steps I've developed in my plan. If you're looking for a true connection then I suppose you might want to go elsewhere. If you want to have fun feeling out the world of dating armed with sarcasm and jadedness, try these. You might be surprised at how hilarious they can make the evening. No, I have not found Mr. Right, but I have had a lot of fun complaining afterwards to my Ehusband.
