I am not here to build your self esteem. I am not the torch to illuminate your ignorance. Most importantly, I'm not here to make friends or influence people. If you do not know me, I direct you to my first entry as a means of introducing who I am and where I'm coming from.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Raising my glass to Resolutions.

Cheers to 2012.

Just as in countless past years I made several self-improvement promises to myself for 2012. Like every other year, I really feel like this is the year where I will finally become that person I was meant to be.

Who doesn’t love second chances? After all isn’t that what the New Year’s Resolution really is? There are a lot of things in life I look back on and wish I had taken a different path or reacted differently to a situation. The best part about resolutions is that they are a promise made to ourselves. But wait, isn’t that the worst part too? No one is counting on me to actually follow through; well no one, but myself. This single fact is what I plan on reminding myself every time I manage to deviate from my Resolutions. If I cannot uphold a promise to myself, the single most important person in all of our lives, than what value am I placing on myself as a creature capable of advancement?

This year I am embracing my second chance at improvements I constantly believe I should make. Among the upgrades I planned for 2012, I have mostly the obvious ones that everyone does (“be healthier, make more money, invest better, watch less TV, etc”). But this year I made a real one. I’m going to start that book I always wanted to write. I have a couple ideas floating around. They say you should always write what you know. Look at Jane Austen, she wrote about a very small realm of her society, and yet her books are among the best in literature. But then, as a huge science fiction fan, I wonder, should I venture into the world of fiction? Alas, I really do not think Ender Wiggin’s battle with the Buggers was based on any sort of life experience of Orson Scott Card. I brainstormed maybe doing a fiction book based on my life experiences a la F Scott Fitzgerald. I think like any of my writing, I will start and as I go along the book will come together as it was always meant to.

The New Years Resolution allows us to have a second chance; a chance to become the person we know we are capable of. I fully plan on embracing this concept. Cheers to the passing of a not so spectacular year and onwards and upwards to what I imagine will be the best year of my adult life so far.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Goodbye 2011...Welcome 2012

I know it has been far too long since I’ve written. I thought I should do a year recap. Since December is a time of chapter closing before we can go into the New Year, I have a few humble thoughts about 2011.

To steal a famous analysis, 2011 may be the best of times and also the worst of times. Having experienced so many things this year, 2011 may leave the largest impression on my life of any one single year thus far. I discovered who I am for better or worse. I started out in January ready to conquer my career. Never more sure about who I was or the money I could make. (Much as I will stumble through January 2012 I am sure.) It was the fall of 2011 that I was lost in a forest of self-doubt wondering through a “Road of Trials” (shout out to Joseph Campbell) and failed some of the trials. But then, Luke Skywalker would never be the hero he was if he had succeeded at every test.

For, it is not the successes in life where lessons are learned but our failures. The most important lesson this year I learned is probably one I will have to continue to learn. As most of my readers know, I (mistakenly) define success in life on the ability to collect assets and purchase materialistic things. Looking back I may be partially wrong about that. I think the best thing I could learn was that I am already successful. I have a life I love with people in it who love me even when I’m at my absolute worst. I have a laundry list of those to thank. I thank my family first and foremost. They gave me the skills, talent, and ability. Their support never swayed and allowed me to focus on building a career most only dream about. Given some of my poor choices this year I realized I have an amazing best friend who, even knowing the worst of the worst, helped me with advice, listening, and copious amounts of wine. More support than I deserve sometimes. My fellow Tribe members had by back at work; the three of you pushed me to get through the next call session, or prospecting scheme, or sometimes just went to the bar with me to vent.

So I’m ending 2011 with a list of failures I am more thankful for than my successes for without them, I would not realize how lucky I am already. I may not be the 1% yet, but I am in love and support. Thank you to everyone and cheers to an even better 2012.

Monday, March 7, 2011

America and Capitalism- the greatest love story ever told.

I may be too old for Sunday Funday. Some of the Usual Suspects and I went golfing slash drinking yesterday (Sunday) and now it's two am and I can't sleep. I was hoping I could just sleep through the whole feeling craptastic part of the post-drinking situation. I feel fine, just can't sleep- which is the sign I had more than 3 drinks. So now I'm blogging. It may turn out to be a nonsensical rant but - eh I've been meaning to get on this thing and blog more so why not now?

I'll start with the life update. Life is good. Almost too good. No, I have not met my soulmate (yet). No, I have not made millions (yet). I'm working on the later. (The former too, but unfortunately that is out of my hands for the most part.)

Okay time to talk about something intellectual. This may be challenging considering my current post-drinking hump and lack of quality sleep.

I read this article in Fortune last week about how China is going to beat us economically. The article basically said, first we should assume that China is going to surpass us, and that we should fallback on our other qualities as a nation to still feel superior. In a last ditch effort, the author threw in these random "American" qualities ("we have freedom", etc) that he thought would emotionally target his American readers and thus, they would agree with his original premise which is that China will beat us. The whole article pissed me off. In a single page, he declared that the American Century was over but we should just start measuring success by something else than economic output. Let me address his two main points.

Idiotic Point One: China beating us economically. I read this crap all the time. All the self declared economic geniuses in my nerdy magazines point to all these economic indicators suggesting China's gain on the United States within the next decade. Yeah, these are the same geniuses that predicted 2008- oh wait, they didn't. Let's start with the numbers. "China is growing at 10% a year." A number that China's single party system tells the world.

Idiotic Point Two: Our specialness (insert demeaning tone) should be our fallback new measurement. Because let's just declare we are losers and throw the towel in. Isn't this what is wrong with our country? We don't care about maintaining our superiority? Some people don't even want to admit we are superior. That may be "insensitive" to other cultures, or "biased".

Rebuttal in Short: We are superior in every way that matters. We do not have to make up new standards for something to fall back on; we are the standard. This writer is a pathetic excuse for a journalist. Isn't he supposed to be "intellectual"? We built the American Century by not making excuses, but instead reveling in what makes us superior and what makes us inevitably more successful than any other nation in the history of man.

Full Rebuttal: [This part is a tribute to America and Capitalism; the greatest love story. If you are in any way a socialist, or hate America you will call me a lying idiot who is racist upon reading the next portion of this blog.]

To have the most successful economy you need a "laissez-faire" system. Think about it for a second- by definition, a free market system can only work in a free market. The efficient distribution of goods and services can only be accomplished if people are free to develop and purchase things without intervention. The problem with assuming China will gain on us, is that it neglects the single most important factor that allows for an economy to flourish is the government of the country. The reason the American Century exists at all, is because America's founding principles are based on an individual's right to freedom and personal property. The Founding Fathers were not idiots. They wanted to perpetuate a market system that allowed them to continue to increase their wealth without outside influence. (A fact my pinko high school history teacher would constantly point out as a bad thing. I hate the socialist policies of our education system- but that is a whole other blog.)

Even in declaring our independence, Jefferson pointed to the unalienable rights of every individual; "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". This creed was originally "life, liberty, and property" as written by Locke; among the most influential political theorists on the Founders. Seeing this alone makes it rather obvious that the free market system based on the capitalistic principle of obtaining property was the very founding point of our nation.

The Founding Fathers' belief in capitalism is all over their writings and personal lives. Hell, George Washington took a failing farm and turned into one of the most inventive farms of the time through his own labor and clever financing (now the spectacular Mount Vernon). Friends, it is not a coincidence that never has the world seen such economic prosperity until the United States was founded on the very principles of free market capitalism.

So I guess my summary point is this. China will not beat us. They cannot. Their government structure will inherently limit their prosperity. China cannot sham its way into the "Chinese Century". It is a single party system that dictates to its citizens where they will live and in what industry they will perform; it has no free flow of information and is run by only the very few. If you desire to participate substantially in the markets, you must be a party member, and you must play by the states' rules. Note, these rules are not standardized nor imposed fairly and publicly. Simply read about happened a few weeks ago after a few disgruntled citizens began protesting following the Egypt riots- the government essentially mowed them over. In no way can China compete with a nation that shocked the world with the efficient and speedy mobilization of the Tea Party.

A system that routinely steals the intellectual property of others who create it has no understanding of the markets it seeks to dominate. They cannot compete with a nation that refined what the world now uses to determines its winners and losers (aka capitalism).

In my book, they have already lost.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

San Diego love letter.

Dear San Diego,
Admittedly, I am not the best at loving prose. I wrote a love letter one time to a high school crush (Joey- if you're reading, I'm still humiliated.) Sarcastic humor I can do; lovey-dovey crap is not in my nature. I think it may be related to being German...
But, San Diego, you deserve to be told about all the amazing things you do for me each and every day. You are, and have been, my true love for the last four years. If you ever left me, I would not know how to function, because you sir, complete me.
Whenever I'm having a down week, you know just what to do to cheer me up. You literally bring the sun to my life. All I have to do is take a deep breath of your sea-filled air and I know I will make it through the day.
Sometimes I fall in lust with other cities, but when I come back to you, you welcome me with open arms and show me that no matter how wonderful anywhere else would be, you are by far superior and strong enough to accept my wondering eye.
Your attitude is always tolerant of my faults and you have always provided for me both spiritually and economically.
You are full of the life I have built here as a "real" grownup. If Santa Barbara was my high school sweetheart, you are my steady and committed soulmate. I know when I'm with you there is nothing I can do that you won't accept and repair without judgment.
As I go through this life, please keep holding my hand and walking along with me, because you are there in the good times and I can always count on you in the bad times. You have taught me more than I ever thought I could learn, and you keep opening my eyes everyday to life.
I love you San Diego.
Mrs. Bauer

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Life Update.

Hello all.
I know, I said I was back in early November. But then I went MIA for another couple of months. I did not make time for the blog. Overall, the last few months of 2010 was a very scattered me. 2011 is already looking better as far as getting my life in order.
To start this new year out, I will update you on the current events of my life. These are in no particular order of importance other then work is the single most important thing to me in life. So that is at the top, the rest follow as they popped into my head.
Investment Gurus- Life at the office is great. It took me about six months to gain some ground on what I wanted out of this career. Now I know. 2011 is looking to be a very successful year.
The Boyz- All excellent still. They make a challenging job more than fun. As a side note, my Mom got me this sign that says "Behind every successful woman is herself." I think it's cute. But the reality is, the Boyz have already helped me more than I deserve. Whether it be explaining the simplest concept, giving me people to call, or even taking me on appointments. When I get where I'm going, I certainly won't have done it alone.
Tucker Max- Currently re-obsessing about my fav internet bachelor. I just wish he would realize soon he is my soulmate. I will be filling out his dating application (after I get back on the health train which is discussed next).
Health- I am currently getting that part of my life back in order. I put on what we so fondly call the "AXA 15". Luckily, it wasn't actually 15 (otherwise, being a midget, I would look morbidly obese). I did however stop working out and eat as if I was a grizzly bear about to hibernate. Like really. Why I thought it was okay to consumer 5000 calories of processed food and beer a day is beyond me. I've put the kibosh on the situation and have begun Operation Anorexia as of last week. I will be back into fighting shape soon. Can't wait to waive to my future ex-boyfriends out on Coronado again rather than hang my head in chubby shame like today.
Jersey Shore- Vinny is the man. Why does he get hotter every season? Why do I continue to watch this? And why would I consider having an affair on Tucker Max with The Situation?
Taylor Swift (yes I'm digressing)- Currently listening. Love that song "Mine". Makes me want to register for eharmony and find my faux soulmate. But then the song ends ever so abruptly. Perhaps there is a correlation?
Men- Mostly just spinster complaints. I am seriously considering getting Snooki and the Situation (already named cats courtesy of N-dizzle) and declaring defeat. The other day I met with a networking cohort and she was asking me about personal things. When I told her I was single, she gave me this pity look (her bitch version of the Dr. Drew pity look on Celebrity Rehap). I kid you not. Full on sideways concerned pouty lips. It was like this look of "oh poor girl, can't land a man". Then she went on for like five minutes about how I should not worry and that "he is out there". I hadn't started worrying until she said not to worry. I almost interrupted her to point out that perhaps "he is not out there" but then she looked so hopeful and I could tell she was smugly complimenting herself on what a good Samaritan she was for "cheering up the soon-to-be -spinster with twelve cats". Mostly my largest problem is this: I suffer from constant crush resuscitation. Come on girls- you know to what I'm referring. You convince yourself you are DONE with what's-his-name. He's rubbish. Has all sorts of "issues" most of which encompass the general feeling of "he's just not that into you." Then, like a dead phoenix rising from the ashes, he recaptures your original affections. Then he inevitably disappoints you by being himself (i.e. not Jack Bauer) and the cycle repeats. While this seems like a cycle of insanity- I mainly blame boredom. I only repeat these cycles because I don't have anyone new to throw into the rotation. In sum, I wanted to stop this woman from so eagerly assuring me. Because, in the end I am an optimist. I know what I want. I may not know "who" it is yet, but I know it exists. I've seen it. If it's one thing I'm good at it's identifying what I want and going for it.
The Book-Roary and I have an idea. It is awesome. Full of hilariousness and anecdotes. I'm viewing it as therapy (much like the blog). Updates as we develop the idea more. For now, if that horrendous "Eat, Pray, Love" book can be a bestseller and a movie so bad I wanted to claw my own eyes out with a toothpick, I think we might have a real shot at an actually good read.
Californication- Love that show. So glad Hank Moody is back.
That is all for now. May the force be with you. Happy New Year to you all!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Mediocre at best.

Firstly, congrats to you Giants fans. I was not pulling for you, but you earned it (more or less). I’ll be sure to count how many of you fall off the bandwagon when your team downward spirals next year.

Today’s topic is mediocrity. I was sitting on my couch last night, being the typical mediocre person I am. I was calmly flipping through the Economist and enjoying my story when I started mulling. I could be a much more productive and quality human being if I spent that last hour of the day doing something to either improve myself physically (i.e. workout), mentally (i.e. continue my biography obsession on George Washington), or monetarily (i.e. make 30 more phone calls) when really I was just sitting there being the average Joe and failing to improve my life situation in any way.

Hours before last night’s mediocre performance, I was at work joking about mediocrity with N-dizzle. We decided that if we performed at peak performance everyday we would have nothing to strive for. True, but really, it was just a justification for giving our less than best efforts (our lacking efforts if you will).

I started comparing my average, run-of-the-mill behavior to my life heros (fictional and real). I bet Brit Hume does not ever sit on the couch in his sweats watching TiVoed daytime dramas. No, instead he fills the Fox Newsroom with political insight and intelligence. I imagine his “break time” includes reading political manifestos and debating heads of state. Buffy the Vampire Slayer certainly never sat around being mediocre, she was too busy saving the world. She took her job so seriously she killed the love of her life and herself to save the world (and note, these are two separate occasions). For that matter, even the gang of Scoobies didn’t waste time on mediocrity and they didn’t have super powers. I’ll give you Bridget Jones took mediocre and made it a best selling novel and two blockbusters. But let’s face it, she was a shitshow and only excelled at one thing, landing Mark Darcy.

The central question becomes, why don’t I strive for peak performance in all things in life? Is it like anything, perfection is impossible so we don’t even bother to try to achieve it? Or maybe if I did strive for my actual potential and failed I would not have the excuse “Well I didn’t try anyway”. If I’m going to take Ayn Rand’s basic philosophy seriously I must daily strive for individual improvement. Sitting on the couch at the cost of improving myself may be a habit I need to work on breaking. Realistically, we cannot work 24 hours a day at anything. But, I can certainly work on putting in those extra couple hours towards productivity and the hours I already put in I can improve in quality.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Was it me? Was it you? Does it even matter?

Are you a "what iffer" or a "nexter"? I think of people in two categories. Either they dwell on the past, analyzing it to death until they have wasted their present on "what ifs". Or they are the type of person that believes any reflection on past experiences is pointless and says "next" without regard to the life lesson. I am certainly a person of the later. I think I might have spent the last few years "nexting" many life lessons that seem to be hitting me now.
Randomly (and during a late viewing of O'Reilly) I started thinking about the one relationship in my life that I still deem a success. Yeah, we did not end up married or even friends (also, I think it is weird to maintain a relationship with exes, but that is for another blog) but this relationship was my life's largest influence on my current outlook on dating and relationships. Looking back, the simple answer to our end was that we grew apart. I generally label it that and move on. But that isn't really a fair analysis of what happened.
Maybe my lack of reflection is as simple as not wanting to admit one day someone stopped loving me. Isn't that our deepest darkest fear? One day we wake up and our heart's desire no longer cares for us?
Sometimes I think it was my inability to emotionally commit entirely to someone who was just waiting for me to let him in fully. Walls do not build strong relationships.
So was it me? Or was it him? Was I the impossible one to live with? Did I drive him insane with my ultra type-A behavior and mild chick-flick obsession? Or was he the one who just couldn't be strong enough to see it through?
My epiphany tonight was that why it ended does not even matter. I spent so long avoiding the analysis of the relationship that I missed the whole point of the experience. What matters is what I take from it. Through our strengths I learned that love and commitment are real life possibilities. Sometimes another person's needs and wants are as important as your own. I learned that partnerships with respect and consideration are much stronger than doing it alone. Through our failures I realized that any relationship takes work and strength to carry the weight of the tough times when the other cannot. Most importantly, I learned that the end of anything will not break you unless you let it.
I'm not sure what my conclusion is. I think it's the central question of why do I now approach dating and love from such a jaded perspective when in reality my past has taught me that love exists and when you find it can be amazing. In fact, even when it fails, you gain belief in yourself as an individual.
I will try to remember this conclusion from now on. I cannot go on expecting so very little from the male population, when my first real life experience was truly amazing even though it ended. That is simply unfair and a fine example of cognitive dissonance.