Raising my glass to Resolutions.

Cheers to 2012.

Just as in countless past years I made several self-improvement promises to myself for 2012. Like every other year, I really feel like this is the year where I will finally become that person I was meant to be.

Who doesn’t love second chances? After all isn’t that what the New Year’s Resolution really is? There are a lot of things in life I look back on and wish I had taken a different path or reacted differently to a situation. The best part about resolutions is that they are a promise made to ourselves. But wait, isn’t that the worst part too? No one is counting on me to actually follow through; well no one, but myself. This single fact is what I plan on reminding myself every time I manage to deviate from my Resolutions. If I cannot uphold a promise to myself, the single most important person in all of our lives, than what value am I placing on myself as a creature capable of advancement?

This year I am embracing my second chance at improvements I constantly believe I should make. Among the upgrades I planned for 2012, I have mostly the obvious ones that everyone does (“be healthier, make more money, invest better, watch less TV, etc”). But this year I made a real one. I’m going to start that book I always wanted to write. I have a couple ideas floating around. They say you should always write what you know. Look at Jane Austen, she wrote about a very small realm of her society, and yet her books are among the best in literature. But then, as a huge science fiction fan, I wonder, should I venture into the world of fiction? Alas, I really do not think Ender Wiggin’s battle with the Buggers was based on any sort of life experience of Orson Scott Card. I brainstormed maybe doing a fiction book based on my life experiences a la F Scott Fitzgerald. I think like any of my writing, I will start and as I go along the book will come together as it was always meant to.

The New Years Resolution allows us to have a second chance; a chance to become the person we know we are capable of. I fully plan on embracing this concept. Cheers to the passing of a not so spectacular year and onwards and upwards to what I imagine will be the best year of my adult life so far.

Goodbye 2011...Welcome 2012

I know it has been far too long since I’ve written. I thought I should do a year recap. Since December is a time of chapter closing before we can go into the New Year, I have a few humble thoughts about 2011.

To steal a famous analysis, 2011 may be the best of times and also the worst of times. Having experienced so many things this year, 2011 may leave the largest impression on my life of any one single year thus far. I discovered who I am for better or worse. I started out in January ready to conquer my career. Never more sure about who I was or the money I could make. (Much as I will stumble through January 2012 I am sure.) It was the fall of 2011 that I was lost in a forest of self-doubt wondering through a “Road of Trials” (shout out to Joseph Campbell) and failed some of the trials. But then, Luke Skywalker would never be the hero he was if he had succeeded at every test.

For, it is not the successes in life where lessons are learned but our failures. The most important lesson this year I learned is probably one I will have to continue to learn. As most of my readers know, I (mistakenly) define success in life on the ability to collect assets and purchase materialistic things. Looking back I may be partially wrong about that. I think the best thing I could learn was that I am already successful. I have a life I love with people in it who love me even when I’m at my absolute worst. I have a laundry list of those to thank. I thank my family first and foremost. They gave me the skills, talent, and ability. Their support never swayed and allowed me to focus on building a career most only dream about. Given some of my poor choices this year I realized I have an amazing best friend who, even knowing the worst of the worst, helped me with advice, listening, and copious amounts of wine. More support than I deserve sometimes. My fellow Tribe members had by back at work; the three of you pushed me to get through the next call session, or prospecting scheme, or sometimes just went to the bar with me to vent.

So I’m ending 2011 with a list of failures I am more thankful for than my successes for without them, I would not realize how lucky I am already. I may not be the 1% yet, but I am in love and support. Thank you to everyone and cheers to an even better 2012.

America and Capitalism- the greatest love story ever told.

I may be too old for Sunday Funday. Some of the Usual Suspects and I went golfing slash drinking yesterday (Sunday) and now it's two am and I can't sleep. I was hoping I could just sleep through the whole feeling craptastic part of the post-drinking situation. I feel fine, just can't sleep- which is the sign I had more than 3 drinks. So now I'm blogging. It may turn out to be a nonsensical rant but - eh I've been meaning to get on this thing and blog more so why not now?

I'll start with the life update. Life is good. Almost too good. No, I have not met my soulmate (yet). No, I have not made millions (yet). I'm working on the later. (The former too, but unfortunately that is out of my hands for the most part.)

Okay time to talk about something intellectual. This may be challenging considering my current post-drinking hump and lack of quality sleep.

I read this article in Fortune last week about how China is going to beat us economically. The article basically said, first we should assume that China is going to surpass us, and that we should fallback on our other qualities as a nation to still feel superior. In a last ditch effort, the author threw in these random "American" qualities ("we have freedom", etc) that he thought would emotionally target his American readers and thus, they would agree with his original premise which is that China will beat us. The whole article pissed me off. In a single page, he declared that the American Century was over but we should just start measuring success by something else than economic output. Let me address his two main points.

Idiotic Point One: China beating us economically. I read this crap all the time. All the self declared economic geniuses in my nerdy magazines point to all these economic indicators suggesting China's gain on the United States within the next decade. Yeah, these are the same geniuses that predicted 2008- oh wait, they didn't. Let's start with the numbers. "China is growing at 10% a year." A number that China's single party system tells the world.

Idiotic Point Two: Our specialness (insert demeaning tone) should be our fallback new measurement. Because let's just declare we are losers and throw the towel in. Isn't this what is wrong with our country? We don't care about maintaining our superiority? Some people don't even want to admit we are superior. That may be "insensitive" to other cultures, or "biased".

Rebuttal in Short: We are superior in every way that matters. We do not have to make up new standards for something to fall back on; we are the standard. This writer is a pathetic excuse for a journalist. Isn't he supposed to be "intellectual"? We built the American Century by not making excuses, but instead reveling in what makes us superior and what makes us inevitably more successful than any other nation in the history of man.

Full Rebuttal: [This part is a tribute to America and Capitalism; the greatest love story. If you are in any way a socialist, or hate America you will call me a lying idiot who is racist upon reading the next portion of this blog.]

To have the most successful economy you need a "laissez-faire" system. Think about it for a second- by definition, a free market system can only work in a free market. The efficient distribution of goods and services can only be accomplished if people are free to develop and purchase things without intervention. The problem with assuming China will gain on us, is that it neglects the single most important factor that allows for an economy to flourish is the government of the country. The reason the American Century exists at all, is because America's founding principles are based on an individual's right to freedom and personal property. The Founding Fathers were not idiots. They wanted to perpetuate a market system that allowed them to continue to increase their wealth without outside influence. (A fact my pinko high school history teacher would constantly point out as a bad thing. I hate the socialist policies of our education system- but that is a whole other blog.)

Even in declaring our independence, Jefferson pointed to the unalienable rights of every individual; "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". This creed was originally "life, liberty, and property" as written by Locke; among the most influential political theorists on the Founders. Seeing this alone makes it rather obvious that the free market system based on the capitalistic principle of obtaining property was the very founding point of our nation.

The Founding Fathers' belief in capitalism is all over their writings and personal lives. Hell, George Washington took a failing farm and turned into one of the most inventive farms of the time through his own labor and clever financing (now the spectacular Mount Vernon). Friends, it is not a coincidence that never has the world seen such economic prosperity until the United States was founded on the very principles of free market capitalism.

So I guess my summary point is this. China will not beat us. They cannot. Their government structure will inherently limit their prosperity. China cannot sham its way into the "Chinese Century". It is a single party system that dictates to its citizens where they will live and in what industry they will perform; it has no free flow of information and is run by only the very few. If you desire to participate substantially in the markets, you must be a party member, and you must play by the states' rules. Note, these rules are not standardized nor imposed fairly and publicly. Simply read about happened a few weeks ago after a few disgruntled citizens began protesting following the Egypt riots- the government essentially mowed them over. In no way can China compete with a nation that shocked the world with the efficient and speedy mobilization of the Tea Party.

A system that routinely steals the intellectual property of others who create it has no understanding of the markets it seeks to dominate. They cannot compete with a nation that refined what the world now uses to determines its winners and losers (aka capitalism).

In my book, they have already lost.

San Diego love letter.

Dear San Diego,

Admittedly, I am not the best at loving prose. I wrote a love letter one time to a high school crush (Joey- if you're reading, I'm still humiliated.) Sarcastic humor I can do; lovey-dovey crap is not in my nature. I think it may be related to being German...

But, San Diego, you deserve to be told about all the amazing things you do for me each and every day. You are, and have been, my true love for the last four years. If you ever left me, I would not know how to function, because you sir, complete me.

Whenever I'm having a down week, you know just what to do to cheer me up. You literally bring the sun to my life. All I have to do is take a deep breath of your sea-filled air and I know I will make it through the day.

Sometimes I fall in lust with other cities, but when I come back to you, you welcome me with open arms and show me that no matter how wonderful anywhere else would be, you are by far superior and strong enough to accept my wondering eye.

Your attitude is always tolerant of my faults and you have always provided for me both spiritually and economically.

You are full of the life I have built here as a "real" grownup. If Santa Barbara was my high school sweetheart, you are my steady and committed soulmate. I know when I'm with you there is nothing I can do that you won't accept and repair without judgment.

As I go through this life, please keep holding my hand and walking along with me, because you are there in the good times and I can always count on you in the bad times. You have taught me more than I ever thought I could learn, and you keep opening my eyes everyday to life.

I love you San Diego.

Mrs. Bauer

Life Update.

Hello all.

I know, I said I was back in early November. But then I went MIA for another couple of months. I did not make time for the blog. Overall, the last few months of 2010 was a very scattered me. 2011 is already looking better as far as getting my life in order.

To start this new year out, I will update you on the current events of my life. These are in no particular order of importance other then work is the single most important thing to me in life. So that is at the top, the rest follow as they popped into my head.

Investment Gurus- Life at the office is great. It took me about six months to gain some ground on what I wanted out of this career. Now I know. 2011 is looking to be a very successful year.

The Boyz- All excellent still. They make a challenging job more than fun. As a side note, my Mom got me this sign that says "Behind every successful woman is herself." I think it's cute. But the reality is, the Boyz have already helped me more than I deserve. Whether it be explaining the simplest concept, giving me people to call, or even taking me on appointments. When I get where I'm going, I certainly won't have done it alone.

Tucker Max- Currently re-obsessing about my fav internet bachelor. I just wish he would realize soon he is my soulmate. I will be filling out his dating application (after I get back on the health train which is discussed next).

Health- I am currently getting that part of my life back in order. I put on what we so fondly call the "AXA 15". Luckily, it wasn't actually 15 (otherwise, being a midget, I would look morbidly obese). I did however stop working out and eat as if I was a grizzly bear about to hibernate. Like really. Why I thought it was okay to consumer 5000 calories of processed food and beer a day is beyond me. I've put the kibosh on the situation and have begun Operation Anorexia as of last week. I will be back into fighting shape soon. Can't wait to waive to my future ex-boyfriends out on Coronado again rather than hang my head in chubby shame like today.

Jersey Shore- Vinny is the man. Why does he get hotter every season? Why do I continue to watch this? And why would I consider having an affair on Tucker Max with The Situation?

Taylor Swift (yes I'm digressing)- Currently listening. Love that song "Mine". Makes me want to register for eharmony and find my faux soulmate. But then the song ends ever so abruptly. Perhaps there is a correlation?

Men- Mostly just spinster complaints. I am seriously considering getting Snooki and the Situation (already named cats courtesy of N-dizzle) and declaring defeat. The other day I met with a networking cohort and she was asking me about personal things. When I told her I was single, she gave me this pity look (her bitch version of the Dr. Drew pity look on Celebrity Rehap). I kid you not. Full on sideways concerned pouty lips. It was like this look of "oh poor girl, can't land a man". Then she went on for like five minutes about how I should not worry and that "he is out there". I hadn't started worrying until she said not to worry. I almost interrupted her to point out that perhaps "he is not out there" but then she looked so hopeful and I could tell she was smugly complimenting herself on what a good Samaritan she was for "cheering up the soon-to-be -spinster with twelve cats". Mostly my largest problem is this: I suffer from constant crush resuscitation. Come on girls- you know to what I'm referring. You convince yourself you are DONE with what's-his-name. He's rubbish. Has all sorts of "issues" most of which encompass the general feeling of "he's just not that into you." Then, like a dead phoenix rising from the ashes, he recaptures your original affections. Then he inevitably disappoints you by being himself (i.e. not Jack Bauer) and the cycle repeats. While this seems like a cycle of insanity- I mainly blame boredom. I only repeat these cycles because I don't have anyone new to throw into the rotation. In sum, I wanted to stop this woman from so eagerly assuring me. Because, in the end I am an optimist. I know what I want. I may not know "who" it is yet, but I know it exists. I've seen it. If it's one thing I'm good at it's identifying what I want and going for it.

The Book-Roary and I have an idea. It is awesome. Full of hilariousness and anecdotes. I'm viewing it as therapy (much like the blog). Updates as we develop the idea more. For now, if that horrendous "Eat, Pray, Love" book can be a bestseller and a movie so bad I wanted to claw my own eyes out with a toothpick, I think we might have a real shot at an actually good read.

Californication- Love that show. So glad Hank Moody is back.

That is all for now. May the force be with you. Happy New Year to you all!

Mediocre at best.

Firstly, congrats to you Giants fans. I was not pulling for you, but you earned it (more or less). I’ll be sure to count how many of you fall off the bandwagon when your team downward spirals next year.

Today’s topic is mediocrity. I was sitting on my couch last night, being the typical mediocre person I am. I was calmly flipping through the Economist and enjoying my story when I started mulling. I could be a much more productive and quality human being if I spent that last hour of the day doing something to either improve myself physically (i.e. workout), mentally (i.e. continue my biography obsession on George Washington), or monetarily (i.e. make 30 more phone calls) when really I was just sitting there being the average Joe and failing to improve my life situation in any way.

Hours before last night’s mediocre performance, I was at work joking about mediocrity with N-dizzle. We decided that if we performed at peak performance everyday we would have nothing to strive for. True, but really, it was just a justification for giving our less than best efforts (our lacking efforts if you will).

I started comparing my average, run-of-the-mill behavior to my life heros (fictional and real). I bet Brit Hume does not ever sit on the couch in his sweats watching TiVoed daytime dramas. No, instead he fills the Fox Newsroom with political insight and intelligence. I imagine his “break time” includes reading political manifestos and debating heads of state. Buffy the Vampire Slayer certainly never sat around being mediocre, she was too busy saving the world. She took her job so seriously she killed the love of her life and herself to save the world (and note, these are two separate occasions). For that matter, even the gang of Scoobies didn’t waste time on mediocrity and they didn’t have super powers. I’ll give you Bridget Jones took mediocre and made it a best selling novel and two blockbusters. But let’s face it, she was a shitshow and only excelled at one thing, landing Mark Darcy.

The central question becomes, why don’t I strive for peak performance in all things in life? Is it like anything, perfection is impossible so we don’t even bother to try to achieve it? Or maybe if I did strive for my actual potential and failed I would not have the excuse “Well I didn’t try anyway”. If I’m going to take Ayn Rand’s basic philosophy seriously I must daily strive for individual improvement. Sitting on the couch at the cost of improving myself may be a habit I need to work on breaking. Realistically, we cannot work 24 hours a day at anything. But, I can certainly work on putting in those extra couple hours towards productivity and the hours I already put in I can improve in quality.

Was it me? Was it you? Does it even matter?

Are you a "what iffer" or a "nexter"? I think of people in two categories. Either they dwell on the past, analyzing it to death until they have wasted their present on "what ifs". Or they are the type of person that believes any reflection on past experiences is pointless and says "next" without regard to the life lesson. I am certainly a person of the later. I think I might have spent the last few years "nexting" many life lessons that seem to be hitting me now.

Randomly (and during a late viewing of O'Reilly) I started thinking about the one relationship in my life that I still deem a success. Yeah, we did not end up married or even friends (also, I think it is weird to maintain a relationship with exes, but that is for another blog) but this relationship was my life's largest influence on my current outlook on dating and relationships. Looking back, the simple answer to our end was that we grew apart. I generally label it that and move on. But that isn't really a fair analysis of what happened.

Maybe my lack of reflection is as simple as not wanting to admit one day someone stopped loving me. Isn't that our deepest darkest fear? One day we wake up and our heart's desire no longer cares for us?

Sometimes I think it was my inability to emotionally commit entirely to someone who was just waiting for me to let him in fully. Walls do not build strong relationships.

So was it me? Or was it him? Was I the impossible one to live with? Did I drive him insane with my ultra type-A behavior and mild chick-flick obsession? Or was he the one who just couldn't be strong enough to see it through?

My epiphany tonight was that why it ended does not even matter. I spent so long avoiding the analysis of the relationship that I missed the whole point of the experience. What matters is what I take from it. Through our strengths I learned that love and commitment are real life possibilities. Sometimes another person's needs and wants are as important as your own. I learned that partnerships with respect and consideration are much stronger than doing it alone. Through our failures I realized that any relationship takes work and strength to carry the weight of the tough times when the other cannot. Most importantly, I learned that the end of anything will not break you unless you let it.

I'm not sure what my conclusion is. I think it's the central question of why do I now approach dating and love from such a jaded perspective when in reality my past has taught me that love exists and when you find it can be amazing. In fact, even when it fails, you gain belief in yourself as an individual.

I will try to remember this conclusion from now on. I cannot go on expecting so very little from the male population, when my first real life experience was truly amazing even though it ended. That is simply unfair and a fine example of cognitive dissonance.

Dear Boyz. I love you all.

Two days ago I sat down to blog about the latest in my eharmony prospecting. Prior to my bitchfest 2010 via the blogosphere, I lamented regarding the horrendousness of eharmony to a couple of my coworkers (i.e. the Boyz), and new characters on the blog, N-dizzle and QuackAttack. N-dizzle made a fair point that I reject suitors left and right for no concrete reason. He suggested that I would immediately dismiss any one of the Boyz for a date had I met them on eharmony even though I obviously love hanging out with them in real life. The point is, while I do not want to actually husband up any of the coworkers, I would have a great night out on the town with every single one of them. That got me to thinking. If only I could wrap all the Boyz up into one man, that man I would indeed want to husband up. So tonight, I bring you the office gossip loveletter.

Below I have listed the qualities I most admire from each of the gang and wish I could steal for my future first husband.

N-dizzle is the intellect. We can talk about anything and everything. He makes even the most impossible (think life insurance) intellectually hilarious and has great insight. (He did indeed prompt this blog.) I need that overly intellectual analysis to keep me on my toes, and to challenge me to leave my comfort zone of intellectual laziness.

QuackAttack is the hilarity. He makes everything funny. He has the best laugh of anyone I know. QuackAttack's laughter is contagious and makes whatever is going on at that moment ten times funnier. Enjoying life is my number one goal. I need a man who wants to spend more time laughing than anything else no matter what we are doing and where life takes us.

BigGuns is the chivalry when I thought it was dead. A true gentlemen, BigGuns understands the art of dating and seduction. He always makes a woman feel special even when it's just the usual suspects at the Stro. A midwestern boy at heart, his manners are something I could take home to my mother and be more than proud.

Bossman has always believed in me. He hired me with faith that I can succeed. Even when I'm not sure, he has never faltered. Because he believes, I know I can be successful. It is important that a partner believe in you when sometimes you don't have that ability.

BFighter is the commitment and amazing future father that any girl would want in a potential suitor. Of the "marrying kind" that San Diego seriously lacks in, he spends his weekends committed to family. In a world full of alcoholic partying 20 somethings, this man brings the commitment I thought was nonexistent in Southern California.

GiAAnts is the adolescent crush one never wants to forget. Time will paint this one as a future sweetheart, but for now he is a little too much fun and a little too unavailable. (Albeit in the best way possible.) With his charm, he will keep the spark alive and with his fun he will keep you guessing. Relationships can get stale, but with this boy's quality, my relationship will stay alive.

DeathBenefit is the best friend and partner every committed relationship demands. The most loyal among the Boyz, he is never offended or mad, I can tell him just about anything (and pretty much have). When things get tough in the future you need that steady comrade who you can trust with your deepest darkest secrets.

In sum, you can see I'm one lucky girl. Surrounded by great coworkers who really bring the fun (sometimes a bit too much). Each one of them has so many qualities I love, if I could just pick out my favorites and make a Frankenstein like "super boyfriend" (that is not actually a monster and instead Bruce Willis hot) I would have the perfect man to husband up. I'll keep searching for now. But I must admit, being surrounded by such great people everyday, the bar is only being raised on a weekly basis.

I'm back.

Hello all. I have not been on the blogging train for the last few months. I am going to try to be more frequent. Something about writing and telling stories helps me deal with stress. Maybe because when I write for an audience I try to make my general musings entertaining, and as I go along I realize that whatever complaint I have is indeed hilarious. If you can't laugh at life, then really what do you have.

Summer Summary: I have been working the new job. Finally getting into the swing of things here. More on that later I'm sure. But for now let me just say, likely there will be a few new characters on the blog due to my coworkers being awesome.

Bender weekends update: I have been mixing up all my weekends. Some are highly responsible and others are not. By not I mean, complete shitshows which make me wonder how old am I really turning next month.

Politics Update: Cannot wait for the House and Senate to change over. I took almost a four month break from the daily obsession with DC scandaliociousness...but I'm pleased to report I am back and in full swing. I had not planned on taking the break, it happened naturally. I was so depressed that our country actually voted for a man who hates the foundations of our society and spends his Presidency complaining about our alleged faults to foreigners and when he is home spends his time trying to ruin everything we stand for...but all that for a new blog. The important thing is that I am back and ready to get as involved as ever. I was missing a huge part of myself and did not even realize it until I turned O'Reilly on about a week ago. Yes, you can thank one of my life heros for saving my political soul. For the rest of you- go out and vote. Especially in CA it is more important than ever that we throw these jackasses out of office.

Dating Update: For the regular readers, let me assure you, there is dating hilarity about to ensue. I will not disappoint. You guessed it, I registered (again) for eharmony and am going to "try" it again. I have not corresponded with anyone yet, but I think this weekend may be the beginning of trainwreck possibilities....

For now I will leave you with an observation I had this week.

All of us at some point have drunk dialed and/or texted the object (or victim) of our affections. Let me explain to men: when you drunk dial a girl the assumption is that the girl is on "the list." You, the girl, are one of the many who said boy hopes to "hang out" with at a very late or early morning time on a weekend. Which is fine. Just be sure when you do drunk dial that you want to let on to a girl that she is category "drunk dial" for a good time. This scenario happened to me a few weeks ago with a friend who I did not realize had placed me on his "list". It sorta hurt my feelings. I am all for people having a good time, but I have not engaged in behavior to encourage this friend to conclude I am a "category drunk dial". I'm still mulling over why it hurt my feelings. Maybe it was that I don't want to be on someone's "list"; Rather, I want to be the only name on a man's list (we all have impossible fantasies). Being on a list takes away any pretentions that I am special or one of a kind (an assumption that I cling to heavily). Mostly, I thought this person was a friend and knew me pretty well, but turns out, he does not in fact know me or care about me any more than he does the rest of his list.

Of course this only applies when the person is not a significant other. Drunk calls and texts from significant others are entirely acceptable and in my case encouraged.

For now I'm out. Gots to head home and make some dinner for my fabulous eharmony surfing self.

Guys, girls, and the games we play.

After getting home earlier than I anticipated on a Saturday night I promptly flipped the tv on to watch what is probably my 50th viewing of "he's just not that into you." It got me to thinking about my last 15 years of attempted dating. We are constantly barraged with tidbits of advice about how to go about dating. This movie being no exception, advice comes from all over; The office, the girls, the boys, the magazines, the tv...it is a never ending campaign to educate us on how to navigate the dating game.

I reached a couple conclusions while pondering through this movie. Thinking back to all the discussions I have with people about dating, I realized- there is a huge difference between what we say we want and what we actually look for and attain.

Let's first address the shallow. A friend of a friend and I got to talking about his ideal girl. He described her has a hot blond, with long hair, fake tatas, and a southern accent. Original, I know. Come to find out his current girlfriend and potential fiance (he is still contemplating) has short dark hair, is from Long Island, and is president of the itty-bitty-titty committee. Slightly different result than his input predicted.

I have a girl friend who wants to find a stable provider that shares her same religion. Yet, in the last ten years she has dated no one of her own religion and the last three men have been unemployed (indefinitely). Not to be snarky, but you cannot live on love.

Moving to the more emotional connection. I have another friend who constantly complains that he wants to find a good girl and settle down. It's the general "I'm done partying and want to find quality." Alas, this guy continues to be one of the biggest partying sluts I know. I have to call bullshit when his weekends consist of grenade hunting downtown for a drunken good time. Last time I checked, quality girls do not give it up after a few drinks (but we are at Whiskey Girl- I'm proof!). This scenario is really like four-slash-every guy I know.

I do the same thing as these poor unfortunate examples. I throw myself temporary pity parties about being single (this is usually after I hear a great couples story, but I always realize that those involved in the story will inevitably divorce or break up). But then, at the end of the day, I engage in behavior that only dooms me to locking down a halfway decent man. I used to think it was I was too picky. Then I thought I wasn't picky enough. Then I realized that according to society there are games to be played and I don't know how to even put my pawn on the board let alone draw a card to move forward. Fuck, I probably don't even own the game I'm trying to play!

I guess my conclusion after watching that horrid movie that I not-so-secretly love, is that we can only control our own behavior. Yeah, I too would love to have some hotass bar manager fall madly in love with me after I act like a complete psycho and stalk his friend. However, not sure that is in the cards. But what may be in the cards is to have realistic expectations. There are plenty of crapbags, both men and women, and the only way you are going to succeed in weeding out the idiots, it to get to work and starting spraying the roundup. This crap advice coming at us from all around makes the mistake of assuming that the third party who we are attempting to date is going to respond in the default manner the advice anticipates. It's a losing game.

As Bridge Jones famously said "Will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping-toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, and perverts...I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan."

"Yes" Man

Looks like I will be only updating this randomly now that life has gotten pretty busy for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.

The new job got me to thinking. In the last month I've put myself out there in ways I did not know I was capable. This job may be the best decision of my adult life. Only time will tell; At this point I've made a list (short as I am tired and about to meet Cdizz) of the experiences that have made me realize that life is indeed filled with endless possibilities that only I can realize through hard work.

1) In the first month I already learned who I can count on. I have experienced every kind of reaction from friends and acquaintances when telling them about what I am doing. Overwhelmingly, people are supportive. Sadly, some disappoint. Mostly, I'm counting these new realizations as a definite bullet point in the positive category. Support has come from all over including people I never thought even remembered me when I called them.

2) I have developed relationships with people I did not know I even had something in common with. This list continues to grow daily, but for now I have several shoutouts. First, special recognition to BED. You may remember him from a previous blog, but this trainwreck neighbor is one of my biggest cheerleaders. He may be king of the underbelly, but he is probably the most dependable shitshow I've ever met. Also, must give a shoutout to the 401(k)Man who gave me some good advice and is not (entirely) the crazy liberal that I pictured; turns out we are alike in many ways. I guess what I can take from my experiences thus far, is that people have a tendency to surprise, and not in a bad way.

3) I am busier than I could possibly imagine (and it is only ramping up at this point). If you asked me two months ago I would have characterized myself as a homebody. Turns out, I am not. I actually like people. I enjoy going out with them and just generally being out in the world and interacting. Everyone loves those rare evenings when you stay in with a glass (or bottle) of wine and enjoy a good book, but I officially love going out and meeting new people even more than the book and wine in my fabulous appartment.

4) I’m busy doing things I would never actively pursue or experience. Through these new ventures I am forced to adjust and grow as a human being. Whether it’s potential client meeting or joining a volunteer board in the area, I am growing in ways that matter much more than an immediate paycheck.

For now, I just want to thank you all. Especially if you are reading this blog, you are probably one of those individuals who I can count on and I appreciate more than ever. I must leave you with the sage advice of my hero and God: “Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values”. Ayn Rand could not be more right.

New Job. New Outlook on Business.

Hello all. I know it’s been a while since I blogged. I finished studying, testing, and have officially started my new job. Many of you have already had the pleasure of hearing all about my prior experience at the firm before this new place. I would like to take the time to make a simple five point comparison which only does my new position moderate justice in explaining the fabulousness that working hard and steady brings.

1. For the last two weeks I have walked into work around 7:30am only to be absolutely shocked that the Bossman and much of management is already here. Additionally, imagine my amazement to find that when I left between five and six they were STILL here in the office. This is certainly in sharp contrast to the “It’s 10:30am on a Tuesday, do you know where your boss is?” motto that my Protégé and I coined.

2. The second day here the Bossman told me he would want to talk to me Thursday regarding administration stuff. I assumed this was simply a passing comment, not an indication of the behavior he would actually exhibit on said Thursday. Picture my face when, you guessed it, he followed up his verbal undertaking that Thursday morning without any prompting from me. Definitely a change from the previous experience of having to keep track of my boss’s personal and professional “things to do” and then remind him to talk to me about admin issues.

3. I have not heard a single person fight with their girlfriend, wife, relative or friend on the phone once. This is amazing since I’m in a cubicle with a room full of at least 15 voices I can hear. I think we all know where I was going with this.

4. I heard the Bossman tell a client the entire truth about a service and then recommend that the client not use our services because it would not be cost effective. I know. It was amazing to see that lying to get clients is not something promoted here. So I guess I won’t be told to lie about my religion or what Church I attend?

5. Finally, in a serious conversation about the financial community and various individuals (which was done with the door closed and with discretion- whole other story really) the Bossman indicated that to him “integrity” is an integral part of success. I still can’t bring myself to believe that this statement was made in a place of business. I almost had to look up the very definition of integrity I had forgotten it for so long. I guess that means I should not plan on lying, cheating, stealing, or getting rich off the backs of others then?

Thank god for the new job and the team here. I will keep you all up to date on the new career.

Weekend Update

Morning all. Had a great weekend. Hung out with the usual suspects at Cdizz and my co-sponsored BBQ. We did have one interesting guest....which leads me to today's topic. Women and the men they want to "fix".

All women have been victim's of their "fix it" mentality at one point or another. It's usually when we are young and inexperienced. You know, the age when we still innocently believe that everyone has abilities and gifts and if we can just find them and bring them out, anyone can be a successful human being. Well this weekend I realized, in a sad turn of events, I've outgrown this wishful mentality. I now realize some people are just trainwrecks at life. It might be one too many Ayn Rand readings, but individuals are who they want to be and no wishing for them to be otherwise can make that happen.

So I've made friends with one of these life trainwrecks. I'll call him BED. This is in reference to a rather ridiculous tattoo he has. Ladies we know the type; very attractive and has that "bad boy" thing going for him. Anyway, in the hilarity that ensued this weekend, I learned wayyy too much about this fellow. He proved to be entirely predictable in a realistic way. In the past I probably would have been totally sucked in by his "charm" (and by charm I mean good looks only). However, I found myself viewing him as a sort of ...lost puppy or more like an animal at the zoo you go and observe. He managed to tell me his sad (and rather uneventful) life story complete with his various addictions (alcohol, gambling, sex) and his latest attempts at "not being a scumbag" (his direct quote). I almost felt condescending in the very way I looked at him while he overshared this ridiculousness. Satan's theory is that he was attempting to appeal to my "fix it" side. As Satan so cleverly described it...I bombed that idea for him.

Anyway, I guess my realization is that I've learned and fully accepted society will have its winners and losers. It makes things a lot easier, and now I can just appreciate the view without having to deal with a daily trainwreck.

Thatcherism at its finest

"The root of the matter is this: we have been ruled by men who live by illusions: the illusion that you can spend money you haven't earned without eventually going bankrupt or falling into the hands of your creditors; the illusion that real jobs can be conjured into existence by Government decree, like rabbits out of a hat; the illusion that there is some other way of creating wealth than hard work and satisfying your customers; the illusion that you can have freedom and enterprise without believing in free enterprise; the illusion that you can have an effective foreign policy without a strong defense force; and a peacful and orderly society without absolute respect for the law."

- Margaret Thatcher

A winter of discontent in Britain brought this great lady to the world. Will our discontent in America save us?

How much is a few hundred bucks worth to you?

Dear Former Employer,

Let me first thank you for the experience and lessons I have gathered while working for you over the last few years. Let me provide a specific list of the lessons I so cherish.

1) Lawyers should only strive to serve those who are wealthy. As you always reinforced, those who are without a summer house do not deserve the same level of representation even if their dollars are still good. Never mind your individual integrity and self worth of doing the best job you can for any client.

2) I also want to thank you for teaching me that Christianity is all about tolerance and commitment to doing the best job you can everyday. This includes, the mentality of as long as you can get yours it's okay to cheat anyone and everyone around you. Especially if they can "afford it" what is the sense of doing what is right when you might be able to score some extra goodwill or a couple bucks from bad behavior?

3) It is important to get other people to do as much work for you as possible while striving to do none for yourself.

While these have all been excellent lessons, what I most want to thank you for is living up to your standards of professionalism and courtesy by refusing to pay me for all the hours I worked my last two weeks. Additionally, it was an excellent real-life teaching moment when you relied on one of your employees to fill me in on why you thought you were entitled to do this while you ran tail between your legs from the office.

As the above lessons suggest, you probably assumed it was okay to cheat me out of a few hundred dollars because 1) I have a financial backer, and 2) you were angry about a filing issue. I'm not sure what you thought since you relied on a third party to awkwardly report your feelings to me.

While I will not be contacting the California Bar Association or the California Labor Department to report you regarding this illegal activity, I would like to say thank you so much for ending a business relationship in the most respectful and desirous manner possible. I cannot wait to start my own business someday and use your behavior as a model of how to obtain repeat business and also keep potential future business relationships happy.

I would wish you well in the future. But my guess is you do not need it since you have managed to earn no only my respect and appreciation but anyone I meet in the future regarding attorney referrals will hear about my wonderful experience.

As you would say, God Bless.

Jenny

Life update.

Since I haven't been around too much on the blog, just thought I would give a general life update from the last few days.

1) This weekend:

Pretty good. Actually, went to two very different parties. Saturday I started at my Protege's BBQ. It was really fun. I really like her and her hubby's cohorts. I plan on forever crashing her events from now on!

Following that I went to Devil'sAdvocate's housewarming party. Cdizz and I happened to be the only right wingers there. I was informed by Devil'sAdvocate beforehand that I was to be mute when politics came up. However, I was poked and irked by general stupidity and liberalism that I was forced to set the record straight. How do you keep silent when one of the attendees insists on calling money earned by military personnel "blood money"? I about died. Following that the liberals began demanding rich people work less so they don't have to pay as much in taxes. I am not kidding. They actually openly admitted they were fine with individuals not reaching their full potential all to avoid taxes; Thus, proving why socialism will stifle a society. Following that ridiculousness they then began asserting why public transportation was necessary. What really irked them was they couldn't "convince" me. The night ended with one shouting at me, as if you talk louder I will then agree. I really am fine with liberals, but I tend to throw them for a loop when I just refuse to agree with their "compassionate giving". That and when I use facts they apparently know nothing of such as basic American and 20th Century Western History.

2) This week:

So far it has been study study study. I am taking tomorrow off to head up to some hot springs. My day off is just in time too- today my brain literally turned off. I can't even understand a basic percentage. So- breaktime.

3) Ayatollah Obama:

Finally, I will leave you with this great news story. I turned on the usual Fox News at lunch and saw that apparently BO attempted to force protesters away from the usual protesting area outside the White House. Of course the White House is denying that the police's attempt to move the protesters was independent of them, but who is actually believing this story? Protesting areas in the nation's capital are used daily and are standard. Apparently the capital police aren't aware of them?

Way to pull a Chavez. Can't wait for the new financial regulations. Also, does anyone else find the Goldman Sachs timing a little bizarre?

It's a man's world, at least they still think so.

I love when I'm constantly reminded that women are not as smart or capable as men. All over the place, I see men feeling the need to assert their superiority. It is usually done by some imbecile man trying to assure himself that he is better than the poor helpless woman who clearly needs his capable help.

Today at work I experienced this common attitude. We were discussing my ability to pass a certain upcoming test. Basically, the two idiot men (who failed this test the first round) were attempting to make me feel like I would fail the first time. Apparently their personal intellect and failed experience at the test were an indication of my abilities. It was clear (and my Protege witnessed) they were thinking to themselves "How could this woman do something better and quicker than me with less work?" I think after their attempts to bring me down to where I should be (i.e. lower than them on the mental capability list) it appeared obvious I was still too confident about test. Thus, one of them continued to remind me of his abilities and my apparent lack. He went on to tell me the extreme hours I would have to work in order to move up as quickly as he did. He claimed it took him two years to get to management while the women who started with him were still in the same positions. Again, I suppose his anecdotal evidence and lack of intellect indicates my abilities as a human being to perform well at my job.

All this got me to thinking. Am I attempting to characterize men as evil who want to just "keep us down?" I remembered having a conversation a few months ago with my mother about some other interaction with an imbecile man. My mother reminded me then- "You will be bossed around by some jackass man most of your life, so get used to it." So maybe it is just the tone men in society generally have. It seems to be an ongoing theme in my life.

Let me offramp and explain where I'm coming from. I am absolutely no feminist. I have even been informed my opinions on the differences in sexes and our roles in society are "antiquated". It is true, I do not think men and women are equal in the sense of being the "same". I think we are equal in societal value. But we are not equal in abilities in many areas. I also believe strongly in gender roles, especially in relationships. That being said, I have never met a man who is mentally superior to me in any way. I have met many men who clearly think they are and want to assert their importance and cleverness by raping my ears with their ridiculous comments and observations on the obvious.

I have noticed that a lot of women have decided that men need to feel superior so they allow him to do so. In relationships I see it all the time. The woman decides to let the man dominate all things intellectual. Is this done as a means to make her life easier and not be forced to be constantly reminded of her inferiority or is it done because the role of men must be superior for a stable home life?

I guess my central question is- do we need to let men continue to think they are superior in all things intellectual? Will I have an unhappy life if I am always asserting my abilities 100% even if it means outshining a man? The truth is, I could not be with a man who is not at least my intellectual equal; I must have a man who outshines me intellectually, or at least challenges me. Perhaps that very notion is antiquated. So maybe it is not that women allow the men to feel superior intellectually, but maybe they choose men who are superior intellectually?

I'm just not sure. What I am sure of is my parents taught me that I am a whole and complete person capable of anything I set my mind to. However, others have encouraged me to play a inferior role so a man won't feel threatened and instead will feel needed. I guess I just refuse.

Weekend update and other musings.

Weekend Update: Studied. For those of you who knew my pretend studying skills all through law school and the bar exam, let me assure you- I am not pretending this time. I really did hit the books. I think Saturday I studied four hours straight in one sitting (a lifelong record). Maybe it's the new and improved Mrs. Bauer?

Today, Cdizz sent me a link to a hero's website. It pretty much made all my study complaints moot. There are men and women out there fighting and dying for our country and I'm complaining that I have to take a test so I can potentially make a nice living? Time to abort those complaints. So for now I will try.

Other ramblings I have (my brain is fried). Ever since I started my blog I've been noticing a lot of people have blogs/writings up. If you are on Stalkerbook and you have one- I've read it. I was pleasantly surprised by one I read this weekend. Nothing too deep about that except sometimes people surprise you (or impress you).

Okay that is all for now. I'm a bit wacky. I have shitshow fest 2010 to commence with Cdizz as a study break.

Thank you Joss Whedon.

Today I'm using the blog to make a tribute to Joss Whedon for continuing to create amazingness.

Joss has been an influence on me through most of my formative years. Without Mr. Whedon I would never have attempted to be a Vampire Slayer, nor have wanted to join an evil law firm seeking to open the gates of hell by taking a vampire's soul. I would not have wanted to smuggle my way through space and be a cowboy/pirate all at the same time. In each of his masterpieces we learn that life's true heros are a gang of scoobies that, while the universe underestimates them, ultimately they are the best of us. Champion of the underdog, Joss put my early years into perspective; At least the world was not ending and it was up to me alone to save it.

Today's tribute was caused by watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. I've had it sitting on my coffee table for a while now. I guess most of my hesitation was worrying that Joss could not live up to my expectations. He got me through high school in one piece, but would his simple message speak to my now so very intellectual self? (For those of you who don't know me, that was a joke.) Through Dr. Horrible I learned to root again for the underdog. He may be painfully flawed, but he is better than most. Just as I stumbled through rectifying the true wonderfullness and pain that was Buffy (think Becoming) I watched Dr. Horrible face his tragically flawed self; his inner demons. Understanding through his flaws he is human and will find redemption in his better self. Yes, the scoobies faltered everytime in their attempt to save the world, but what united them was always their belief in their better selves; Their redemption was that they had each other. The ultimate message of Joss, is that you cannot do it alone. We should not do it alone.

I just want to thank Joss for continuing to amaze me. I will never forget how Buffy made me feel the first episode I ever saw where Xander turned into a hyena. Through campy plot and quick wit you saved this girl and made her who she is today. But you also proved last night you can continue to teach me lessons that I never fully understood as a child.

Ignore him until he loves you.

I know I said health care. I'm still avoiding. Since this is my blog, I'm making the unilateral decision to wait on that and instead will be teaching those of you who requested a transcript of my man plan. If you follow these steps you too can fail in love and yet continue to complain about it!

Step 1: If he attempts to make contact look away or as annoyed as possible. This usually stops any man from approaching. Or at least they can label you as a cold hag immediately, that way you don't have to actually deal with being your charming witty self and then being rejected.

Step 2: When he calls you send him straight to voicemail and makeup some bullshit excuse about how you're "In the store" or "With a friend". When really you are just too chicken to talk on the phone. In my case, I despise the phone. I'm horrible and awkward on the phone and I hate talking on it. So I avoid this medium thinking that he will be delayed in finding out my slight tardation on the phone until I've already hooked him and then it does not matter.

Step 3: Don't call him back when he does leave a voicemail. This is related to my above feelings. Since I'm horrid on the phone, and it's hard to be super clever and witty without seeing physical ques just don't return his call. He will probably just interpret this as a) you are "playing hard to get" or b) "you're not interested."

Step 4: When he asks for your number tell him "It's okay, you don't have to actually call me." Or something equally lacking confidence. This is done so that way you can claim you told him not to call you and so when he doesn't you knew ahead of time. Men love women who are so under confident they actually request no phone call.

Step 5: If he asks you to "meet up" with him and his friends on a weekend night in a place you actually would want to go to, tell him you can't because you have major plans. Then sit at home and watch reruns of 24. Like step 3, this will be interpreted as you are playing hard to get or not interested. When really the truth is you are not sure he would like your charming self enough and why bother just in case you make an idiot out of yourself?

Step 6: Personally insult his job or area of residence. Then get annoyed when he can't take a joke. If he does make the mistake of taking the joke and throwing a moderately clever one back, up the anti and insult his looks or his wing man's looks. If I ever meet a man clever enough to come back after that, I'm pretty sure he is probably my soulmate. In which case, this step fails at making one fail in love.

Step 7: After he buys you a drink run away to the dance floor with your bestie. Note, you cannot fall in love in Whiskey Girl. Trust me, I know this for a fact.

Step 8: If he seems moderately quality or nice be sure to go on about the latest bad boy you dated, or the various Special Forces guys you like (i.e. Jack Bauer). Listing John Cena movies also has the desired fail affect. This way, you fail big by ignoring a nice guy who might not be a scumbag in favor of a pretend guy who will never commit.

These are just a few of the many steps I've developed in my plan. If you're looking for a true connection then I suppose you might want to go elsewhere. If you want to have fun feeling out the world of dating armed with sarcasm and jadedness, try these. You might be surprised at how hilarious they can make the evening. No, I have not found Mr. Right, but I have had a lot of fun complaining afterwards to my Ehusband.