Mediocre at best.

Firstly, congrats to you Giants fans. I was not pulling for you, but you earned it (more or less). I’ll be sure to count how many of you fall off the bandwagon when your team downward spirals next year.

Today’s topic is mediocrity. I was sitting on my couch last night, being the typical mediocre person I am. I was calmly flipping through the Economist and enjoying my story when I started mulling. I could be a much more productive and quality human being if I spent that last hour of the day doing something to either improve myself physically (i.e. workout), mentally (i.e. continue my biography obsession on George Washington), or monetarily (i.e. make 30 more phone calls) when really I was just sitting there being the average Joe and failing to improve my life situation in any way.

Hours before last night’s mediocre performance, I was at work joking about mediocrity with N-dizzle. We decided that if we performed at peak performance everyday we would have nothing to strive for. True, but really, it was just a justification for giving our less than best efforts (our lacking efforts if you will).

I started comparing my average, run-of-the-mill behavior to my life heros (fictional and real). I bet Brit Hume does not ever sit on the couch in his sweats watching TiVoed daytime dramas. No, instead he fills the Fox Newsroom with political insight and intelligence. I imagine his “break time” includes reading political manifestos and debating heads of state. Buffy the Vampire Slayer certainly never sat around being mediocre, she was too busy saving the world. She took her job so seriously she killed the love of her life and herself to save the world (and note, these are two separate occasions). For that matter, even the gang of Scoobies didn’t waste time on mediocrity and they didn’t have super powers. I’ll give you Bridget Jones took mediocre and made it a best selling novel and two blockbusters. But let’s face it, she was a shitshow and only excelled at one thing, landing Mark Darcy.

The central question becomes, why don’t I strive for peak performance in all things in life? Is it like anything, perfection is impossible so we don’t even bother to try to achieve it? Or maybe if I did strive for my actual potential and failed I would not have the excuse “Well I didn’t try anyway”. If I’m going to take Ayn Rand’s basic philosophy seriously I must daily strive for individual improvement. Sitting on the couch at the cost of improving myself may be a habit I need to work on breaking. Realistically, we cannot work 24 hours a day at anything. But, I can certainly work on putting in those extra couple hours towards productivity and the hours I already put in I can improve in quality.

Was it me? Was it you? Does it even matter?

Are you a "what iffer" or a "nexter"? I think of people in two categories. Either they dwell on the past, analyzing it to death until they have wasted their present on "what ifs". Or they are the type of person that believes any reflection on past experiences is pointless and says "next" without regard to the life lesson. I am certainly a person of the later. I think I might have spent the last few years "nexting" many life lessons that seem to be hitting me now.

Randomly (and during a late viewing of O'Reilly) I started thinking about the one relationship in my life that I still deem a success. Yeah, we did not end up married or even friends (also, I think it is weird to maintain a relationship with exes, but that is for another blog) but this relationship was my life's largest influence on my current outlook on dating and relationships. Looking back, the simple answer to our end was that we grew apart. I generally label it that and move on. But that isn't really a fair analysis of what happened.

Maybe my lack of reflection is as simple as not wanting to admit one day someone stopped loving me. Isn't that our deepest darkest fear? One day we wake up and our heart's desire no longer cares for us?

Sometimes I think it was my inability to emotionally commit entirely to someone who was just waiting for me to let him in fully. Walls do not build strong relationships.

So was it me? Or was it him? Was I the impossible one to live with? Did I drive him insane with my ultra type-A behavior and mild chick-flick obsession? Or was he the one who just couldn't be strong enough to see it through?

My epiphany tonight was that why it ended does not even matter. I spent so long avoiding the analysis of the relationship that I missed the whole point of the experience. What matters is what I take from it. Through our strengths I learned that love and commitment are real life possibilities. Sometimes another person's needs and wants are as important as your own. I learned that partnerships with respect and consideration are much stronger than doing it alone. Through our failures I realized that any relationship takes work and strength to carry the weight of the tough times when the other cannot. Most importantly, I learned that the end of anything will not break you unless you let it.

I'm not sure what my conclusion is. I think it's the central question of why do I now approach dating and love from such a jaded perspective when in reality my past has taught me that love exists and when you find it can be amazing. In fact, even when it fails, you gain belief in yourself as an individual.

I will try to remember this conclusion from now on. I cannot go on expecting so very little from the male population, when my first real life experience was truly amazing even though it ended. That is simply unfair and a fine example of cognitive dissonance.

Dear Boyz. I love you all.

Two days ago I sat down to blog about the latest in my eharmony prospecting. Prior to my bitchfest 2010 via the blogosphere, I lamented regarding the horrendousness of eharmony to a couple of my coworkers (i.e. the Boyz), and new characters on the blog, N-dizzle and QuackAttack. N-dizzle made a fair point that I reject suitors left and right for no concrete reason. He suggested that I would immediately dismiss any one of the Boyz for a date had I met them on eharmony even though I obviously love hanging out with them in real life. The point is, while I do not want to actually husband up any of the coworkers, I would have a great night out on the town with every single one of them. That got me to thinking. If only I could wrap all the Boyz up into one man, that man I would indeed want to husband up. So tonight, I bring you the office gossip loveletter.

Below I have listed the qualities I most admire from each of the gang and wish I could steal for my future first husband.

N-dizzle is the intellect. We can talk about anything and everything. He makes even the most impossible (think life insurance) intellectually hilarious and has great insight. (He did indeed prompt this blog.) I need that overly intellectual analysis to keep me on my toes, and to challenge me to leave my comfort zone of intellectual laziness.

QuackAttack is the hilarity. He makes everything funny. He has the best laugh of anyone I know. QuackAttack's laughter is contagious and makes whatever is going on at that moment ten times funnier. Enjoying life is my number one goal. I need a man who wants to spend more time laughing than anything else no matter what we are doing and where life takes us.

BigGuns is the chivalry when I thought it was dead. A true gentlemen, BigGuns understands the art of dating and seduction. He always makes a woman feel special even when it's just the usual suspects at the Stro. A midwestern boy at heart, his manners are something I could take home to my mother and be more than proud.

Bossman has always believed in me. He hired me with faith that I can succeed. Even when I'm not sure, he has never faltered. Because he believes, I know I can be successful. It is important that a partner believe in you when sometimes you don't have that ability.

BFighter is the commitment and amazing future father that any girl would want in a potential suitor. Of the "marrying kind" that San Diego seriously lacks in, he spends his weekends committed to family. In a world full of alcoholic partying 20 somethings, this man brings the commitment I thought was nonexistent in Southern California.

GiAAnts is the adolescent crush one never wants to forget. Time will paint this one as a future sweetheart, but for now he is a little too much fun and a little too unavailable. (Albeit in the best way possible.) With his charm, he will keep the spark alive and with his fun he will keep you guessing. Relationships can get stale, but with this boy's quality, my relationship will stay alive.

DeathBenefit is the best friend and partner every committed relationship demands. The most loyal among the Boyz, he is never offended or mad, I can tell him just about anything (and pretty much have). When things get tough in the future you need that steady comrade who you can trust with your deepest darkest secrets.

In sum, you can see I'm one lucky girl. Surrounded by great coworkers who really bring the fun (sometimes a bit too much). Each one of them has so many qualities I love, if I could just pick out my favorites and make a Frankenstein like "super boyfriend" (that is not actually a monster and instead Bruce Willis hot) I would have the perfect man to husband up. I'll keep searching for now. But I must admit, being surrounded by such great people everyday, the bar is only being raised on a weekly basis.

I'm back.

Hello all. I have not been on the blogging train for the last few months. I am going to try to be more frequent. Something about writing and telling stories helps me deal with stress. Maybe because when I write for an audience I try to make my general musings entertaining, and as I go along I realize that whatever complaint I have is indeed hilarious. If you can't laugh at life, then really what do you have.

Summer Summary: I have been working the new job. Finally getting into the swing of things here. More on that later I'm sure. But for now let me just say, likely there will be a few new characters on the blog due to my coworkers being awesome.

Bender weekends update: I have been mixing up all my weekends. Some are highly responsible and others are not. By not I mean, complete shitshows which make me wonder how old am I really turning next month.

Politics Update: Cannot wait for the House and Senate to change over. I took almost a four month break from the daily obsession with DC scandaliociousness...but I'm pleased to report I am back and in full swing. I had not planned on taking the break, it happened naturally. I was so depressed that our country actually voted for a man who hates the foundations of our society and spends his Presidency complaining about our alleged faults to foreigners and when he is home spends his time trying to ruin everything we stand for...but all that for a new blog. The important thing is that I am back and ready to get as involved as ever. I was missing a huge part of myself and did not even realize it until I turned O'Reilly on about a week ago. Yes, you can thank one of my life heros for saving my political soul. For the rest of you- go out and vote. Especially in CA it is more important than ever that we throw these jackasses out of office.

Dating Update: For the regular readers, let me assure you, there is dating hilarity about to ensue. I will not disappoint. You guessed it, I registered (again) for eharmony and am going to "try" it again. I have not corresponded with anyone yet, but I think this weekend may be the beginning of trainwreck possibilities....

For now I will leave you with an observation I had this week.

All of us at some point have drunk dialed and/or texted the object (or victim) of our affections. Let me explain to men: when you drunk dial a girl the assumption is that the girl is on "the list." You, the girl, are one of the many who said boy hopes to "hang out" with at a very late or early morning time on a weekend. Which is fine. Just be sure when you do drunk dial that you want to let on to a girl that she is category "drunk dial" for a good time. This scenario happened to me a few weeks ago with a friend who I did not realize had placed me on his "list". It sorta hurt my feelings. I am all for people having a good time, but I have not engaged in behavior to encourage this friend to conclude I am a "category drunk dial". I'm still mulling over why it hurt my feelings. Maybe it was that I don't want to be on someone's "list"; Rather, I want to be the only name on a man's list (we all have impossible fantasies). Being on a list takes away any pretentions that I am special or one of a kind (an assumption that I cling to heavily). Mostly, I thought this person was a friend and knew me pretty well, but turns out, he does not in fact know me or care about me any more than he does the rest of his list.

Of course this only applies when the person is not a significant other. Drunk calls and texts from significant others are entirely acceptable and in my case encouraged.

For now I'm out. Gots to head home and make some dinner for my fabulous eharmony surfing self.

Guys, girls, and the games we play.

After getting home earlier than I anticipated on a Saturday night I promptly flipped the tv on to watch what is probably my 50th viewing of "he's just not that into you." It got me to thinking about my last 15 years of attempted dating. We are constantly barraged with tidbits of advice about how to go about dating. This movie being no exception, advice comes from all over; The office, the girls, the boys, the magazines, the tv...it is a never ending campaign to educate us on how to navigate the dating game.

I reached a couple conclusions while pondering through this movie. Thinking back to all the discussions I have with people about dating, I realized- there is a huge difference between what we say we want and what we actually look for and attain.

Let's first address the shallow. A friend of a friend and I got to talking about his ideal girl. He described her has a hot blond, with long hair, fake tatas, and a southern accent. Original, I know. Come to find out his current girlfriend and potential fiance (he is still contemplating) has short dark hair, is from Long Island, and is president of the itty-bitty-titty committee. Slightly different result than his input predicted.

I have a girl friend who wants to find a stable provider that shares her same religion. Yet, in the last ten years she has dated no one of her own religion and the last three men have been unemployed (indefinitely). Not to be snarky, but you cannot live on love.

Moving to the more emotional connection. I have another friend who constantly complains that he wants to find a good girl and settle down. It's the general "I'm done partying and want to find quality." Alas, this guy continues to be one of the biggest partying sluts I know. I have to call bullshit when his weekends consist of grenade hunting downtown for a drunken good time. Last time I checked, quality girls do not give it up after a few drinks (but we are at Whiskey Girl- I'm proof!). This scenario is really like four-slash-every guy I know.

I do the same thing as these poor unfortunate examples. I throw myself temporary pity parties about being single (this is usually after I hear a great couples story, but I always realize that those involved in the story will inevitably divorce or break up). But then, at the end of the day, I engage in behavior that only dooms me to locking down a halfway decent man. I used to think it was I was too picky. Then I thought I wasn't picky enough. Then I realized that according to society there are games to be played and I don't know how to even put my pawn on the board let alone draw a card to move forward. Fuck, I probably don't even own the game I'm trying to play!

I guess my conclusion after watching that horrid movie that I not-so-secretly love, is that we can only control our own behavior. Yeah, I too would love to have some hotass bar manager fall madly in love with me after I act like a complete psycho and stalk his friend. However, not sure that is in the cards. But what may be in the cards is to have realistic expectations. There are plenty of crapbags, both men and women, and the only way you are going to succeed in weeding out the idiots, it to get to work and starting spraying the roundup. This crap advice coming at us from all around makes the mistake of assuming that the third party who we are attempting to date is going to respond in the default manner the advice anticipates. It's a losing game.

As Bridge Jones famously said "Will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping-toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, and perverts...I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan."

"Yes" Man

Looks like I will be only updating this randomly now that life has gotten pretty busy for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.

The new job got me to thinking. In the last month I've put myself out there in ways I did not know I was capable. This job may be the best decision of my adult life. Only time will tell; At this point I've made a list (short as I am tired and about to meet Cdizz) of the experiences that have made me realize that life is indeed filled with endless possibilities that only I can realize through hard work.

1) In the first month I already learned who I can count on. I have experienced every kind of reaction from friends and acquaintances when telling them about what I am doing. Overwhelmingly, people are supportive. Sadly, some disappoint. Mostly, I'm counting these new realizations as a definite bullet point in the positive category. Support has come from all over including people I never thought even remembered me when I called them.

2) I have developed relationships with people I did not know I even had something in common with. This list continues to grow daily, but for now I have several shoutouts. First, special recognition to BED. You may remember him from a previous blog, but this trainwreck neighbor is one of my biggest cheerleaders. He may be king of the underbelly, but he is probably the most dependable shitshow I've ever met. Also, must give a shoutout to the 401(k)Man who gave me some good advice and is not (entirely) the crazy liberal that I pictured; turns out we are alike in many ways. I guess what I can take from my experiences thus far, is that people have a tendency to surprise, and not in a bad way.

3) I am busier than I could possibly imagine (and it is only ramping up at this point). If you asked me two months ago I would have characterized myself as a homebody. Turns out, I am not. I actually like people. I enjoy going out with them and just generally being out in the world and interacting. Everyone loves those rare evenings when you stay in with a glass (or bottle) of wine and enjoy a good book, but I officially love going out and meeting new people even more than the book and wine in my fabulous appartment.

4) I’m busy doing things I would never actively pursue or experience. Through these new ventures I am forced to adjust and grow as a human being. Whether it’s potential client meeting or joining a volunteer board in the area, I am growing in ways that matter much more than an immediate paycheck.

For now, I just want to thank you all. Especially if you are reading this blog, you are probably one of those individuals who I can count on and I appreciate more than ever. I must leave you with the sage advice of my hero and God: “Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values”. Ayn Rand could not be more right.

New Job. New Outlook on Business.

Hello all. I know it’s been a while since I blogged. I finished studying, testing, and have officially started my new job. Many of you have already had the pleasure of hearing all about my prior experience at the firm before this new place. I would like to take the time to make a simple five point comparison which only does my new position moderate justice in explaining the fabulousness that working hard and steady brings.

1. For the last two weeks I have walked into work around 7:30am only to be absolutely shocked that the Bossman and much of management is already here. Additionally, imagine my amazement to find that when I left between five and six they were STILL here in the office. This is certainly in sharp contrast to the “It’s 10:30am on a Tuesday, do you know where your boss is?” motto that my Protégé and I coined.

2. The second day here the Bossman told me he would want to talk to me Thursday regarding administration stuff. I assumed this was simply a passing comment, not an indication of the behavior he would actually exhibit on said Thursday. Picture my face when, you guessed it, he followed up his verbal undertaking that Thursday morning without any prompting from me. Definitely a change from the previous experience of having to keep track of my boss’s personal and professional “things to do” and then remind him to talk to me about admin issues.

3. I have not heard a single person fight with their girlfriend, wife, relative or friend on the phone once. This is amazing since I’m in a cubicle with a room full of at least 15 voices I can hear. I think we all know where I was going with this.

4. I heard the Bossman tell a client the entire truth about a service and then recommend that the client not use our services because it would not be cost effective. I know. It was amazing to see that lying to get clients is not something promoted here. So I guess I won’t be told to lie about my religion or what Church I attend?

5. Finally, in a serious conversation about the financial community and various individuals (which was done with the door closed and with discretion- whole other story really) the Bossman indicated that to him “integrity” is an integral part of success. I still can’t bring myself to believe that this statement was made in a place of business. I almost had to look up the very definition of integrity I had forgotten it for so long. I guess that means I should not plan on lying, cheating, stealing, or getting rich off the backs of others then?

Thank god for the new job and the team here. I will keep you all up to date on the new career.